...that moment when you see a 'Positive' on a home pregnancy test!! That happened for Daniel and I today. After 11 months of trying to get pregnant we finally were!! It was such a wonderful moment.
I was about 7 days late starting so I told Daniel if I hadn't started by Friday morning I would take a test, and it was a very faint positive. We were so excited as you can imagine but didn't want to overreact because it was very 'faint'. Daniel's parents were coming in town for the weekend but we agreed we weren't going to say anything to them since we weren't 100% sure. Of course I was on the internet all day searching 'faint positive pregnancy test' and everything seemed to reassure me that it in fact was positive. Daniel wanted me to take another test that afternoon so I went and bought another test when I left school. This time I bought the test that says 'pregnant' or 'not pregnant'. TERRIBLE DECISION! I took it around 5:00 Friday afternoon and it said 'not pregnant'. The worst words to read when you want to be so bad! I will never buy that kind again!! It was like it was laughing in my face! :( So Daniel and I decided we would take another one Monday morning if I still hadn't started and just enjoy our weekend with his parents!
3/1/13
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Monday morning came...another positive HPT and we were so excited all over again! I called my doctor and she told me to come in that afternoon so of course I left school and went straight there. They did a 'pee test' and told me it was in fact positive and I was pregnant! It felt especially real then! All the nurses were so excited for me!! They still wanted to do a quick exam and a blood (beta) test. My doctor wanted me to come back in on Wednesday for more blood work. Based on my exam they were guessing I was only about 4-5 weeks. They said they would know more about my due date after first ultra sound. After my blood test I went straight to Daniels office (my doctor is in Daniel's hospital so his office was right there!) and told him the good news! He just smiled ear to ear....I will never forget his face! I will never forget that day. I will never forget the joy I felt sitting in the doctors office when she told me I was pregnant.
We were on cloud nine for the next few days! Looking up how big the little baby was at this point, figuring out how we were going to tell our family and friends the next weekend, praying for this child that God blessed us with.
Wednesday - time for more blood work. The nurse told me my level from Monday's blood work had come back really low, which was fine as long as my next number came back higher (your beta level is supposed to double every 48 hours).
I wrote the first paragraph of this blog on Friday and the second paragraph tonight (Wednesday).
We have made plans to go home Saturday and tell our families and close friends! We can not wait! I wanted to write this blog tonight so I didn't forget all the feelings and emotions I am having. I never want to forget the excitement we are experiencing. We prayed a lot tonight that my numbers (beta levels) would go up after todays blood work. We prayed that this baby inside me is growing and progressing just as it's supposed to. We prayed that this baby grows up to know and love The Lord.
I will never forget the excitement and happiness we are feeling tonight. Having the desire to be a mom for so long and finally being blessed with this child is such a gift from God. We cannot wait to start this journey!!
3/6/13
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The dreaded words....
"Your numbers went down, and you will probably miscarry sometime in the next week"
I have to admit that I really hesitated before I decided to write so many personal moments on my blog regarding this miscarriage. But after a lot of thinking and praying, I decided that maybe it would help me cope through this loss but also to help update all those who I know truly care for Daniel and I. And maybe somehow I can help others that may be hurting so badly through the same type of loss I've experienced. What we went through was horrible, and if anyone else is going through this, it might help to know that you are not the only one.
Thursday afternoon I got a call from my doctor. My blood work had come back in and she told me that my levels had gone down, which was not good and I would miscarry over the next week. There are no words for what I felt. I went from the happiest girl in the world to the floor falling out from under me in one phone call. I went numb. I think I was 'numb' for about 4 days. All I wanted to do was be with Daniel. It was a hard night. I didn't understand. It wasn't fair. I wanted to do everything I could to protect this baby, save it, help it survive inside me. But I knew there was nothing I could do.
I went to school Friday (you can imagine how good of a teacher I was that day) but I couldn't sit at home all day and think about what was going on. My mom is my very best friend, and I wanted to call her the moment I left the doctor excited on Monday, but I didn't. We were going to wait til the upcoming weekend and go home and tell the entire family! So Friday afternoon I called her to tell her what was going on. She said everything I needed to hear and was exactly who I needed her to be. I was surprised she was not on my door step the next morning, but she did come visit me later that week. We told the rest of our family and close friends that weekend also. We knew that sharing this information with all of them was the best decision so they would be praying for us. We did not keep it to ourselves and I don't recommend that! I could have never gotten through this without my husband or our family and friends. Birmingham, Nashville, Trussville, Atlanta, New York, Fairhope...knowing that people were praying for us from all of those places was such a great feeling that helped me get through this terrible time. During this difficult time, I was so reassured just how strong my amazing husband is. Actually 'amazing' doesn't begin to describe how great he his. He has been by my side every single step of the way, constantly asking what he can do to help or make me feel better. Watching your spouse go through something painful and knowing that there is really nothing you can do to help is horrible...but I would honestly be lost without him.
This is just an example of how amazing our friends and family are!
The anticipation of waiting to miscarry was horrible.
Saturday mid-morning I started cramping REALLY bad. I had been having dull cramps for the last 2 weeks but these cramps were nothing like those. I knew something was wrong and the dreaded moment was coming. The first sign of blood might have been the worst moment. I will never forget that feeling. Knowing that there was nothing I could do to protect this child...we were finally pregnant and we lost it. Part of me felt like it was my fault, like I didn't do exactly what I was supposed to do...but I know that is not the case. I know this was God's way of telling us it was not the right time, and something was just not right with this pregnancy.
This is hard, the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. It hurts. I was sad, mad, frustrated, didn't understand, didn't think it was fair. And I might not ever understand or know exactly why it happened, but what I do know, is that God is faithful and he loves me, and he will never leave me. I have to trust him always, know that it will happen all in his timing, and know that his plans for me are good.
If you are going through this, have gone through this, or ever do go through this... know that I am praying for you. I pray everyday for couples that are having trouble getting pregnant or experiencing a miscarriage.
Some advice if you ever go through this (I pray you don't)...is to really try to look at the positives in all of it. Daniel and I keep telling ourselves that 'at least' now we know we
can get pregnant...which is a wonderful thing. We have been wondering if we can for almost a year, so that is a huge positive for us. Find your own positives in the situation and focus on that...it's hard to do...but it really will help some.
My last piece of advice - over the last month of going through this loss and attending 2 funerals of two amazing people...I have really come to realize...
It is okay to cry! Our Lord Jesus cried over the death of Lazarus, even though he knew that He would shortly raise him from the dead! Death is sorrowful, a tragedy, and it is proper to mourn. Let us never forget though, that death will not have the final victory!
Please, sisters, flee to Christ to wipe away your tears!
"We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28"
